Guest in Your Heart
I wrote the piece below for The Love Interest (TLI) in my life after a disagreement. O.k., I wrote it as a way of apologizing for being a total ass. I share it not because it is my best piece of writing but because it is writing that made me a better and more at-peace person.
Guest in Your Heart
I am blue ink bleeding on cotton. I ran in and on what I meant to touch. I overstepped, over shared, put a mega phone to my fears and paused only to repeat endless concerns.
Betrayal soiled and spoiled and stained.I clinked my metal spoon and cracked the porcelain lip of a tea cup. I mistook you for another man. I was a clumsy Labrador smashing an erect tail and knocking over your glasses.
I want to be as hardy as the Hosta which can recover even after being trampled. Where was my tenderness and caution? Why can’t I be as regal as the owl who can see in 360?
My tongue is tart with regret. I meant to tip toe on the tundra at our feet. I meant to marvel at the resilience of damp soil sprouting new buds beneath. Can a heart start fresh?
Why can’t I be as the mountain who shakes off decades of being gouged at the base as an iceberg climbs down her spine and towards the sea? Can I forgive nature and turn my eye towards the tender hues of blue in our majestic sky?
I am a fire at times. Instead of rolling into the ground I rise to the wind, flaming doubts and burning aromatic openings.
I did not mean to burst buoyancy. I recoiled from the nakedness of raw intimacy. I demanded money back guarantees on products I had not purchased and interrupted ecstasy with insecurity.
I make no apologies for not mimicking the rep lipped rose.I am all Daisy. I am supple at the center with plentiful white petals circular and reaching out in all directions. I know who I am and what I offer.
I said, “Rest here on my sunny center.” I promised a place of sanctuary before hurling thorns, allowing the sting of my words to inject. I had no right to assail.
I forgot who you are, where we are, what this is. We don’t know how long our “moment of forever” lasts.
Please forgive me, I forgot, I am a guest in your heart.
I was hurt by love and I packed up all that pain and dropped it at the feet of another relationship. I issued threats and warnings, made emergency alerts and suggested evacuation. I was running off old fear. Despite the legitimacy of my past pain I allowed it to cause fresh hurt. I pained someone.
It helped me see that healing is not only a luxury, like working out to look better in jeans, but a necessity. We are not only benefited by being healthy ourselves but healthier in our relationships.
I realized a good amount of any heartache I have is when I forget that the people in my life are guests in my heart. They are not in their own home and space. I need to get out fresh towels and show them where I keep the mustard. I need to remember that they are not in their own home and need me to hospitalbily make them the first pot of coffee and then show them where I keep the filters and how to make their own.
I also realized I need to mind my manners when I am in someone elses sacred heart space. I need to wipe the mud from my shoes and shake off the excess sludge I am carrying. I can learn to walk without my shoes on and to relax but never to forget I am in someone elses house.